Setting a Positive Tone

As moms we have the amazing privilege and responsibility of setting the tone for our homes. The age old, "to whom much is given, much is expected" is what comes to mind here. What do I mean? We often times set the tone for our entire family. If we are irritable and over worked, we don't tend to give our best to our loved ones. If we are tired, snarky, short-fused and cranky ourselves, we can't be surprised when our children mimic these same behaviors.

On the flip side, if we are calm, patient, and joy filled, we can hope for those qualities to spill over to our kids. Now, your children are still going to be children who will have mood swings and melt downs and get hangry and tired and throw things and hit siblings, even on the best of days. However, when we are well rested, intentional, present, patient, kind and positive, we put that energy into the rest of the home. Our children learn so much more watching us than they ever do by what we say. If one minute we are telling our son not to yell at his sister or slam the door, and the next minute we are yelling at our husband and slamming the door, we are not leading by a very good example. Monkey see, monkey do.

So how can you set a positive tone in your home? Let's get practical here for a minute. What are some ways you can make your home more pleasant for everyone (including yourself)? Setting a positive tone for the whole family.

Here are 5 sure ways to help you set a more positive tone in your home:

Get enough sleep

A well-rested mom offers more patience and the ability to handle the curve balls of the day. Sleep may be one of the most important things we need and yet don't get enough. If you have little ones this can be tricky. We know that babes don't like to sleep for the first many months (or years) of their lives. If this is you, I see you and understand that this season may just feel extra tough because you are simply exhausted. That is real. It is okay.

Although you feel right now like you will never get out of this season, it will get better. You will sleep again, I promise. Until then, be intentional about not staying up too late once the kids are in bed. Learn to turn off the TV earlier or leave your device in a different room than next to your bed. Even though we are so desperate to have those precious alone hours at the end of the day, staying up late and not getting enough sleep might be setting us up for failure the next morning when our toddler throws Cheerios all over the floor or our tween can't find her shoes and we are late for school. When we get an efficient amount of sleep, we are sure to put ourselves on a better path to being more patient and kinder to our kids, even in the stressful moments of the day.

Chill!

I'm completely talking to myself on this one here friends. I am the queen of taking life too seriously and it just puts me on edge. When my house is a mess, I don't respond to my kids in the loving way I should. When the kids carelessly traipse through the front door leaving all of their belongings scattered in the entryway with dirty footprints leaving a trail down the hallway, do I respond in anger and frustration, yelling at them "come back here and pick up all of your things right away!" Or do I lovingly remind them before we even get out of the car to please put their shoes in the basket and hang up their backpacks when they get inside. I'm right here with you, in the thick of it, learning and growing, figuring out how to be still in the messiness of life. This is not easy friends, but we must remember to help our children grow and learn, we have to also learn how to not be triggered or become dysregulated ourselves by their childish behavior. Otherwise, our homes will be utter chaos. The blind leading the blind. Take a deep breathe right now. Calm your heartrate. Find quiet space in your day to refuel and recharge so you may respond to your children with love, patience, and understanding. This will help you set a more positive and peaceful tone in your home.

Don't over book your calendar

Are you stressing out about how to get the kids to soccer and gymnastics and piano lessons and Awana and tutoring and the 2 birthday parties this weekend? Just stop! I first advise you to prioritizing what is most important and then see what you can remove from your calendar. You have permission to not do everything. I promise, everyone will be just fine if you take the Summer off from sports or choose to not participate in every birthday party that comes your way. Or not be the class mom this year. If trying to do it all is making your heart pound and your palms sweat, it might not be a bad idea to let something go. You will find yourself much happier and thus your kids too when you aren't spread so thin.

Wendy Speake wrote in her book, Triggers, Exchanging Parents' Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses, "when we are overstimulated, agitated on the inside, we can be the most terrible of all, because we can't cope with them (our children) in loving ways." When we are overstimulated by our lives, we are not able to respond to our children's childish behaviors in a loving, mature way. We can't expect our children to be mature if we ourselves are not modeling mature behavior. Start that process by creating more space in your calendar.

Let go of expectations

What I really mean here, have proper, realistic expectations. I don't know when we got so topsy turvy and forgot that kids will be kids. I have always been a highly, self-driven individual, so it really threw me for a loop when I came to the realization that my children are nothing like me in this regard. I (and you) will have to repeat ourselves 40 million times about brushing teeth and doing homework and putting shoes in the basket by the door instead of the middle of the living room. This shouldn't come as a surprise, but somehow it does. Now, I still have very high expectations of my children in that I expect them to be kind, love others, do their best, and work hard at whatever they do. However, I'm embarrassed to admit that many times my kids have fallen short of whatever expectations I had (which happens often. Have you ever tried to plan a fun outing and it blows up in your face?) and I would allow their behaviors to trigger me to anger, embarrassment or frustration. Our children will not be perfect. They will get it right sometimes, but more times than not, they will mess up. It is our job to stay cool, give them grace, and take every opportunity to point them back to who they are as a person, who God created them to be and how their lives get to be a reflection of their Creator. Expect to parent your children. School won't do it for you. Church won't do it for you. The world will pull really hard to teach them a whole lot of junk, so make sure you are in tune and aware. Rather than lower the bar of expectations, just realize that your children are little people growing and learning and exploring. They will more times than not fall short, just like we do every single day. Let us expect these moments and learn to love them tenderly through them.

Practice gratitude

This may sound simple, but there has been tremendous research that shows people who consciously count their blessings tend to be happier and less depressed. Learning to be grateful for the little things can help you keep things in perspective and help you stay grounded in a world that is prying for you to be discontent so that you will buy more things. Comparison is the thief of joy, but gratitude is the giver of joy. Start a gratitude journal or a gratitude jar where you can physically write down and keep track of little blessings you experience throughout the day. Maybe it is for something as simple as waking up. Watching a sunrise. Maybe your daughter who has been struggling in math got an "A" on her test. Maybe you found time to do a little workout, even if the kids were playing at your feet. Maybe you finally made it to church on time this morning. Praise Jesus! When you start to recognize and pay tribute to the blessings in your life, big and small, it becomes easier to feel more content. You, mama, have the power to model gratefulness to your children through your own grateful heart and actions. That, my friend, will definitely set a beautiful tone in your home and in every area of your life.

Dear one, I know that motherhood is hard. It is exhausting and often the days feel very tedious. However, to set a positive tone for your home and family takes intentionality and hard work. May you bless your family today with a positive attitude and a grateful heart. May your children rise up and call you blessed (Proverbs 31:28) because you have chosen to set a tone of warmth and love in your home. You were made for such a time as this mama. You've got this! And if and when you fall short, go to the feet of the Father, learn to give yourself grace, and try again.

Love you friend,